If You’re Like Me…

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You can be living and thriving, doing well, feeling great… and one intrusive thought, “I am not good enough,” comes along and levels you.

You could be out, smiling and laughing, having a great time with good friends. Someone snaps a picture of you and when you see it,  you feel so disgusted with yourself that you fake being sick and go home and cry in the shower.

You have someone in your life, a partner, who cares for you, loves you, talks you through panic attacks, brings you food when you can’t leave the house, comes over and sits with you when you are afraid, reminds you to take your medicine and sees you through everything, but you constantly try to push them away by any means necessary.

You can be laying in bed, winding down from a busy day of existing, and your mind begins to wander…what if someone drove by right now and shot in my direction? What if a bullet came through my second floor bedroom wall and hit me in the head? What if I died before I even realized what happened? It is beyond irrational, but you get so stuck on this that you have to talk yourself out of sleeping on the floor,  you know, for safety.

You toss and turn all night. Nightmares play on a continuous loop. Worms fall out of your face,  you watch yourself die, you drown, snakes are everywhere… and you wake up, unable to eat all day because of how gross and real your dreams were.

You build up the courage to ask a friend to hang out and they tell you that they are busy, which is fine. This happens again and again. Again. Then again. And it is you, they aren’t busy, they just don’t want to hang out with YOU. So you recluse and isolate and cry in your room wondering why no one wants to be your friend.

You accidentally take your medicine on an empty stomach and spend the entire day feeling queasy and like your body is stuffed with cotton balls.

You come home after a long day to an empty house and you can almost feel the loneliness in your bones.

Your therapist tells you that you are hard to diagnose because you are so self aware and introspective and functional in your life.

You cycle through wanting to have sex, but hating people. Liking people but not wanting to be touched. Not wanting to have sex, but wanting a partner. Wanting sex but not wanting a partner. Wanting to have sex, but you are traumatized. Trauma makes your sexual interests odd, and leaves you feeling like a freak. Wanting sex, so you have a lot of it with no real connection. Wanting sex, but not wanting to be touched. Not wanting sex or anyone close to you. Thinking about intimacy and how you have no idea what it really looks like. Thinking about love and how you have no idea what that looks like.

You think about hurting yourself but you realize how much effort that would require and your laziness saves the day again.

You start to look at the list of things you have to get done this day, week, month and begin to panic, feeling like you are failing more and more every second of the day.

You want to visit your family but you  have to emotionally prepare yourself for days beforehand and then emotionally care for yourself for days afterward.

You start thinking of how this is your story and in your story you will never have a mother, you will never have a father. You have no one to call when you need help or guidance or support. You have no one who calls you to check on you and make sure you are getting enough sleep.

If you are like me, you are tired… but you are here. 

You are doing and trying your best. Maybe not all day, maybe not all the time, but you are and you keep trying. You wake up,  you struggle, you show up, you drink water, you take your medicine, you go to the doctor, you hug your children,  you let the world see you cry and then… you let them see you rise.

 

 

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Coexisting with a Crybaby

Criers! Noncriers! Lend me your tears.
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Ok, that pun was terrible but necessary and I am not apologizing for it.  I want to address some concerns and misconceptions I have faced often in my life as a crybaby, in hopes that it will provide some clarity for those who simply do not get us and our weepy ways.

First things first, you should know that I have always been this way. that is not the case for some crybabies, but for me, I have always cried easily and often so I will be writing from my own perspective about my own experiences.

Crying comes as naturally to me as breathing; sometimes even more so. I have cried at Disney World, at work, at school, at family gatherings, on vacation, on a plane, on a softball field, in my car and in 14 states. I have cried over video games, game shows, meeting new people, missing folks, breakups, getting fired, a particularly upsetting episode of Our Gang. I have cried out of anger, extreme joy, love, hunger, hormonal surges, mental illness, through panic attacks and because I was just too sleepy.

Now that we have that in mind, let’s get to the misconceptions:

Crying is Manipulative

While I have cried a couple of times to get out of trouble, invoke a response, win an argument, etc… that is not standard, and I haven’t done that since I was a kid/teen. Non criers tend to think that I am crying in hopes of manipulating the situation or the people around them but I can absolutely attest to the opposite being true. I can’t tell you how often I have wanted to disappear when I felt the tears coming, how many times I have silently willed them away. If I could never cry in front of another human being, I would. To have such emotional self control…I can’t even fathom.

Crying is not mind game to me, it is simply a defense mechanism, an emotional expression, a soul cleanse, an involuntary response in almost any circumstance. One of the first times I just cried for seemingly no reason, I was 4 years old. I had recently moved to Illinois, hours away from my primary caregiver, Mamaw, and we went to visit her. I burst into her house like a tiny hurricane, and with me came the rain. I hugged her so big and just started crying immediately. Mamaw pulled away and asked, “Baby, what is it?!” Obviously she was worried I was hurt or something, but my tiny voice just sobbed back, “I ::gasp:: just ::gasp:: missed ::gasp:: you ::gasp:: so ::gasp:: much!” And the floodgates have been open ever since.

I still cry with that amount of sincerity. My little 4 year old self wasn’t exhibiting a flair for dramatics in hopes of getting a reaction out of the people around her, she just missed her Mamaw. 4 years ago, when I was let go from a job I really enjoyed, I cried through the entire thing. I wasn’t trying to get my boss to change her mind or feel bad about her decision, I cried because I was sad and disappointed in myself. Last night, when I was watching Grey’s Anatomy, I didn’t cry because I needed comforting from anyone (fun fact, I was alone so that debunks the entire thing) I cried because – excuse my French – THAT SHIT IS SAD!

Crying to Get Attention

This one pisses me off so much, I could cry. I literally want the opposite of attention when I cry. Attention often makes it worse, I know you agree with me. How many times have you been on the verge of tears, holding it together so well, then someone comes up with care in their voice and asks if you are ok and you just explode? Yeah, all the time? Same.

If and when I cry, I am not sending tiny signals through my tears to get attention from you. Grow up. There is also a subtopic here, that when I cry around you, that means you have to do something for me. If I cry around you, it is usually because I feel a certain comfort level has been achieved in our relationship, nothing more. If I did cry but also need something, I know how to use my words, not my emotions to get what I need. I literally started teaching my children that when they were babies, “Honey, what is wrong? Can I help? What can I do?” Standing in front of someone, bawling and expecting them to decipher that and react doesn’t work for babies and it doesn’t for crybabies. I cry because I need to, not because I need you. Do not stress yourself out thinking you have to DO something for me, you don’t. Just let me feel some stuff.

Crying is Dramatic

I am not saying that isn’t true, but isn’t that all about perspective really? For example…pets. I am not a pet person. I am barely an animal person. I like them, I don’t want them to be abused, hurt, hungry or alone but I can count on one hand how many times I have been sad over an animal. However, when I was 14, my best friend missed 2 days of school when her cat died. I still cannot understand that, it just isn’t something that makes sense to me…but that doesn’t mean she was being dramatic does it? She was feeling immeasurable pain that I couldn’t possibly understand. So the next time you think someone is crying to be dramatic, try being a little decent maybe? Just because you don’t understand it/have never experienced it/wouldn’t cry over it doesn’t make it a drama filled act. Everyone emotes in different ways to different things.

We can coexist – criers and non criers. It is possible, I have faith! Hopefully this helps you, whichever side you are on to either feel less uncomfortable by crying or more secure in your crying.

What negative things have you experienced
because of your crying?
Tell us in the comments. 

Love you guys, crying or not, love always.
xx Natalie

Shout Outs for All

We know life can be hard, and maybe it’s been tough lately, but here at The Crybaby Club, we know that one of the best ways to combat a rainy day is to lift other people out of the puddles!

One of our number one missions here is to do just that… support, lift and love one another. As a woman, I have been told my entire life that other women specifically are my competition. This is such a lie, and we need to make sure that our future generations are not told the same BS. Community over competition, always.

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Lovely artwork by the amazing lovies over at The Coven Girl Gang

It’s so important for us to recognize and celebrate other women and humans in our lives who are doing the things. Whether it’s through starting a small business, running a 5K or just getting out of bed in the morning- because let’s be honest, some days that is the bravest thing we do. Let’s take a moment to celebrate an important folks in our life.

Let’s lift each other up!
Who inspires you? Who do you admire?
What makes them so incredible?
Tell us in the comments!!!